Tag Archives: parenting

CTYI Parents’ Groups

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Coffee at CTYIThe new term of CTYI Saturday classes is about to start and we thought we’d take the opportunity to remind you that this can be a great opportunity for parents to get together. Particularly for those parents who have to travel significant distances, it is nice to have company while waiting for classes to end.

As many of you will have discovered, being the parent of a gifted child brings it’s own peculiar problems which can sometimes be difficult to discuss with other parents or teachers. Having the chance to chat to other parents who may have faced the same conundrums can be very helpful and reassuring. Sometimes, all that’s needed is to feel that you’re not alone and that your child is, indeed, relatively normal. And, let’s face it, sometimes a good vent or a rant to an understanding audience can make you feel so much better!

We are not in a position to organise coffee groups at every CTYI venue but we will help to facilitate these where possible. CTYI are also very helpful and supportive of these efforts. If you would be interested in taking part, check out our CTYI group page   for further details of where there are groups and how to get involved.

Dr. Clementine Beauvais: Pushy Parents and Gifted Children

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Dr Clementine Beauvais

Behind every ‘gifted’ child is a pushy parent, says Cambridge academic Dr Clementine Beauvais

Dr. Clementine Beauvais is an “education researcher” and children’s author based in Cambridge in the UK. Recently, she was interviewed by journalist Emma Higginbotham about her latest research project in advance of a public talk which is part of the Cambridge Festival of Ideas. Clementine’s talk is titled: “Gifted children – or pushy parents? ‘Prodigious parenting’ from Leopold Mozart to Mozart for babies”. The premise of her talk is to open discussion and dialogue on the social construct of gifted children and their (possibly) pushy parents, examining how modern literature perceives the role of parental involvement in the achievements of gifted or highly able children. In looking at how these parents and children are perceived, she suggests, we may examine our own attitudes to education and parenting issues.

As anyone with any experience of gifted education or research will recognise, putting the terms ‘gifted’ and ‘pushy parents’ together is a hot-button issue. Journalists too know that to gain attention for their work they need good headlines to pull readers in, and Ms. Higginbotham does just that. “Behind every ‘gifted’ child is a pushy parent” says Cambridge academic Dr. Clementine Beauvais”, her piece is headlined. Pithy and absolutist, it has the word gifted in quotation marks and the authoritative stamp of an Oxbridge academic, no less. The perfect storm was bound to erupt.

And it did. From experts in the field of giftedness and intelligence research to outraged parents, the commentators were quick to protest this lazy myth that they have seen trotted out so many times. Comments on the article and on Clementine’s blog were expansive and challenging. Some suggested that she should do some basic research into giftedness before using her academic position to undermine the field. Many took issue with her use of quotation marks around the term gifted, and her assertion that giftedness is merely a social construct. An interesting debate ensued on her blog, and seemed to take her a little by surprise.

Of course there are pushy parents. We have all seen them in action, making sure their child is front and centre or top of every queue until the child has internalised the message and can maneuver herself into prime position with every fresh opportunity. Ability or giftedness has nothing to do with this style of parenting, they just see the world as a competitive place where resources are scarce. Their children are not going to wait their turn for their share, they are going to go out and take it before someone else does. By pushing their children they give them what they see as the skills and confidence to do so. Parents of gifted children do not have a monopoly on this strategy, but as pushy parents often produce high achieving children, giftedness is regularly conflated with the behaviour. So, the article headline and throwaway comments notwithstanding, what is Clementine Beauvais’s angle?

Commenting on her blog, some offered scholarly advice to investigate giftedness from some reliable sources before delving any further into her research. Some berated her for what they saw as a negation of their own experience of parenting a highly able child. Most were critical and a few were dismissive. Some of her own replies shed a little more light on her focus. She explains that her research is about “representations of gifted children in literature and culture (including the discourses of scientific and educational research)”. Her first post on the subject summarizes what she sees as the current discourse on gifted children. She writes that:

“So part of my project involves looking at texts – from the scientific literature, from educational manuals, from non-fiction, from literature, from policy documents etc – which either reinforce or attempt to deconstruct these popular understandings of giftedness.”

Her second asks if adult focus on childhood happiness informs perceptions of giftedness. It also touches on the history behind modern childhood, a relatively recent development which has lengthened the time our children spend dependent on us and in education. While this is all very interesting, researching gifted children from all the angles she mentions would be an enormous task. Looking at the construct of giftedness from cultural, literary, scientific and educational perspectives? In just three years? Many eminent academics have spent entire careers researching giftedness and intelligence differences in just one of these fields. Several recent papers and books might address some of the issues Clementine would like to examine. The ones that come immediately to mind are David Yun Dai and Joseph Renzulli’s 2008 paper “Snowflakes, Living Systems and the Mystery of Giftedness” (behind paywall) as well as Dai’s book “The Nature and Nurture of Giftedness”. She might also want to take a look at Scott Barry Kaufman’s fascinating book “Ungifted: Intelligence Redefined” and “Explorations in Giftedness” by Sternberg, Jarvin and Grigorenko. In fact anything by Robert Sternberg is worth reading from an academic perspective. But if Clementine is going to do her subject justice, she has a lot of reading ahead of her!

Nevertheless, examining giftedness from a sociologist’s viewpoint is a worthy endeavour. Stepping outside our own definitions and looking at what people think, as expressed in language, literature and culture is a fine research topic. Done well, it would be of great benefit to those who work  (or parent) in the field of giftedness or intelligence research. Linguistic and cultural narratives tell us a lot about where we must start in designing an education system which would cater to all. We may have to take a step backward, into an examination of how we came to be perceived as pushy or gifted, in order to move forward. Clementine’s research focus may make some gifted advocates uncomfortable, but it may also serve a very pertinent purpose.

Those of us who deal every day with giftedness, gifted behaviour and intelligence differences need to be mindful of how we react to the myths and stereotypes. It goes without saying that we should challenge them but perhaps we can do so without feeding the myths on the flip side. There is plenty of rigorous, peer-reviewed academic research which supports what we experience in our everyday lives. By placing our lived experiences of these issues in the context of research we could have a more powerful answer to the types of lazy journalism we encountered this week.

But I can’t shake the feeling that we have all walked ourselves into being part of Clementine’s big laboratory!

References

Dai, D. Y. (2010). The Nature and Nurture of Giftedness: A New Framework for Understanding Gifted Education. Education & Psychology of the Gifted Series. Teachers College Press. 1234 Amsterdam Avenue, New York, NY 10027.

Dai, D. Y., & Renzulli, J. S. (2008). Snowflakes, living systems, and the mystery of giftedness. Gifted Child Quarterly, 52(2), 114-130.

Kaufman, S. B. (2013). Ungifted: intelligence redefined. Perseus Books Group.

Sternberg, R. J., Jarvin, L., & Grigorenko, E. L. (2010). Explorations in giftedness. Cambridge University Press.

Fitting In Or Standing Out: The Dilemma of the Gifted

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Fitting in or standing out

Theme for Wicklow/South Dublin GAS group meeting on Wednesday 22nd October

Fitting in or standing out is a perennial dilemma for the gifted, from early childhood to adulthood.  How many of us have been told that our kids have “social skills” problems? Indeed, how many of us have occasionally wondered about our own social skills?!

Young kids who can read and understand things in advance of their years, can have a hard time fitting in and making friends within their age group. For a start, their interests may be different to those of their friends, but their passion is such that they just want to talk about them all the time. An endless stream of facts about dinosaurs isn’t that appealing to a six year old who would rather play football. They may also be impatient when others don’t grasp things as quickly as they do and have the potential to be quite bossy and overbearing, especially if they are one of those who loves rules and complexity. At this age, it is a bit much to expect your gifted child to understand that he may be driving people away by just being himself, but it’s very hard as a parent, to watch your child constantly be isolated and rebuffed; the one who is never invited to the party. Sometimes, as parents, we can get drawn into thinking that there is something wrong with our child and we desperately try to fix things for them and to force friendships. It can be very isolating for us too, as most other parents don’t really understand the issues we are dealing with.

Later, just like any other teenager, they will feel a very strong need to conform. Their peer group from here on, takes on a much greater importance and, I’m afraid, your reign as the most important person in their eyes is about to come to an end rapidly! There is no escaping the fact that they are different to the majority, so they can’t be the same as everyone else and still be true to themselves. Some may well fly through these years with little trouble, particularly if we have managed to help them feel comfortable with themselves so far. However, many will purposely underachieve in order to fit in and be accepted, particularly girls. Others will embrace their “differentness” and may appear somewhat eccentric. All teenagers struggle to find their own identity but, for the gifted, it can be even harder. They tend to be very intense and to think things through in great depth and detail and can end up completely tied in knots. The dangers of going through this struggle alone and without an understanding ear cannot be overestimated.

What can parents do to help gifted children feel comfortable in their own skin and to find their place in the world? How can we best deal with the issues that are thrown up during their passage through the one-size-fits-all education system? How do we keep ourselves sane in the process?! These are the issues which the Wicklow/South Dublin Gifted Advocacy and Support group will be exploring at our next meeting:

Wednesday 22nd October 2014, 7.45pm

Glenview Hotel, Glen of the Downs

New members are always welcome, but we would appreciate it if you could let us know if you plan to come so that we have an idea of numbers. (gaswicklowdublin[at]gmail[dot]com) Details of the group can be found here.

For some reading in advance: 

Every Child is Gifted. Really?

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Frazzled looking catMy head is melted! Someone called Glennon Doyle Melton wrote a blogpost called “Every Child is Gifted. Every Single One” which has caused something of a bruhaha in the USA. Numerous gifted advocates have taken to their keyboards in response, with blogposts flowing. Many  other parents responded saying they were moved to tears by the beauty of the article, one going so far as to say it was “the most beautiful thing I have ever read”. Late last night, I got sucked into reading a 765 comment long Facebook status update by the original author. I’m not the better of it yet!

At first, I thought that the problem centred around the use of the term “gifted”. Some use it in a loose, colloquial manner. Others use it in a strict technical sense to refer to those whose ability, particularly in terms of IQ, falls within the top 2%-3% of the population. Within educational psychology, there is no one accepted definition of gifted, which doesn’t help us make our case, but that’s a discussion for another day! Suffice to say that there are frequent calls for the term “gifted” in educational psychology to be changed, but I don’t believe that would make a whit of difference. Had Lewis Terman and Leta Stelling Hollingworth had a crystal ball when they first used the term back in the early 1920’s, they might have chosen differently. However, no matter what term we choose, it will also come with baggage attached.

I have now changed my mind, what is left of it! I believe that the real problem is society’s current obsession with telling every child that they are special. The term “gifted” is just an added complication. If it was considered normal to be average and ordinary, there would be no problem.

Taking the colloquial use, even here, we see several interpretations. Every child is a gift, has a gift, is gifted. There is absolutely no doubt that every child is a gift to their parents. To each of us, our children are special, unique gifts whom we love dearly and unconditionally. They may have a gift in the sense that each of them has strengths as well as weaknesses, something that they do relatively well. As parents, we must spot these strengths and encourage and nurture them. We must raise our children in an environment where they feel loved, valued and safe. However, to me, even in the loose colloquial sense, being gifted implies that you can do something better than a significant percentage of the rest of the population. Statistically, this is just not possible. For there to be a top, say 25%, there must also be a bottom 75%. So, every child cannot be gifted.

Society seems to have developed an overwhelming need to tell everyone that they are special, maybe not as marked in Ireland as it is in the USA, but we’re getting there. We don’t have Gifted and Talented Programmes in our schools, so there is less perceived benefit to being labelled gifted. We are also a nation of begrudgers so, rather than claim that every child is gifted, we are more likely to scoff at the idea that someone else’s is.

Do we really do our kids any favours by bringing them up to believe they are special? By handing out medals for everyone at the school sports day, do we not devalue the winner’s medal? By devaluing achievement in this way, do we not disempower and set our kids up for failure, disappointment and a lack of fulfillment? This commencement speech by David McCullough Jnr sort of sums it up for me and I love his quote “Climb the mountain so that you can see the world, not so that the world can see you”.

It is important to note that, when referring to our children as gifted, we mean in the educational/psychological sense. We aren’t saying that our children are better than anyone else’s or that they will necessarily achieve great things, not even straight A’s. We simply mean that they are different, in the same sense that children at the other end of the spectrum are different and that, because of this, they may need some special support and understanding as they grow up. The educational system, designed to meet the needs of the majority, is not always a good fit for them and, all we are asking for is that they are recognised and supported as they navigate their way through their early lives. Giving them a label is supposed to make it easy to identify them and understand their needs, in the same way as the label “dyslexic” is used to identify kids with dyslexia. Unfortunately, the term that was chosen for us almost 100 years ago, has come to mean something else that is currently emotionally loaded.

In Being Gifted is a Beautiful Mess, teenager Madison Kimrey describes eloquently her experience of being a gifted child. You should take the time to read it.  Every child is not like this. Every child is not gifted.

Organising the Gifted but Scatty

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I wrote this post for Dazzled and Frazzled at the start of the new school year back in 2011. The same issues come up time and time again at support group meetings, so I felt it was worth re-posting! 

Do you have one of those kids who lives in a world of their own much of the time, completely oblivious to the passage of time; who needs constant reminding to “put the other sock on and finish getting dressed”; to “never mind that the dog’s water bowl is empty, you have five minutes to eat your breakfast and get out to school”?

Does the start of the day go something like the version on the right below?

Getting Ready for School Flow Chart

llustration by Buck Jones, used with the kind permission of Allie Golon of Visual-Spatial Learners

You finally get them out the door and are just recovering when you spot the Irish homework that was slaved over for hours the night before, sitting on the table. Or the text arrives to say “I’ve forgotten my maths book”, “forgotten my lunch”, “forgot there was P.E. today”…and so begins that inner battle: if you constantly bail them out they’ll never learn, so you should let them suffer the consequences of not planning ahead and paying attention, versus the gut feeling that they really can’t help it and will be devastated to turn up in class without all the right things. 

In my experience there are some kids who, by suffering the consequences of their actions or lack of them, will quickly learn to be better organised. However, there are some who really do have genuine organisational difficulties related to what are known as executive skills deficits. No matter how hard they try, they always struggle to be organised. They know this and it frustrates them, causes them distress and makes them feel useless.

Sometimes the issue is just delayed development of executive skills, sometimes it’s ADHD, sometimes it’s that your kid is a visual-spatial learner. Whatever the reason, recognising for themselves the tasks with which they struggle and learning how to best to work around the problem is something that will stand to them forever. Plenty of scatty, disorganised people go on to lead productive, creative and fulfilled lives. For them to be left to constantly mess up or to have you forever picking up the pieces for them is hugely damaging to their self esteem and will delay their independence. The trick is to get the balance right between being supportive and allowing to learn by failure.

As a parent, I have found it helpful to avoid comparison of my children’s progress in this area with that of other children of the same age. My goal is to ensure that, by the time they reach adulthood, they have learned to be as independent and self-sufficient as possible and are ready to leave the nest. In the meantime, they may need a little more support than their peers, but it’s not a competition. It can also be helpful to discuss the problem with your child’s teachers so that they understand and can work with you. It is absolutely vital that your child is included in the process so that they take responsibility for their own progress and learn to advocate for themselves as they get older.  

Here are some tricks which help them to cope better.

Getting out in the morning:

1. Mornings are usually hectic and full of distractions, so pack your schoolbag and look out all your clothes before going to bed the night before. Use the school timetable to check off what is needed.

2. Set a timer in your bedroom to go off when it really is time to be dressed and ready to go for breakfast. (To begin with, mum may need to pop her head around the door at intervals to make sure progress is being made. Don’t bite it off!)

3. Follow a routine and do everything in the same order so you don’t leave anything out.

4. No TV or other distractions!

5. Have a mental checklist of the essentials and go through it before you leave. Schoolbag, lunch, money, bus ticket…whatever you need, but keep it short or you’ll forget items. My own list, which I automatically recite on my way out the door, is “keys, money, phone”. (and now also glasses :-()

In school:

6. If you have a homework journal, USE IT. If you don’t have one, get one. Write in, not just the homework given, but when it is due and any other special announcements. eg If the teacher tells you there is a test or you must bring in a particular item next Wednesday, write a note in next Tuesday’s slot to remind you

7. Colour code your books. You can buy sheets of coloured stickers in various shapes and allocate one to each subject eg red circles to maths, blue squares to English etc. Stick these to the spine of all your books, copybooks included. Then, when you look into you locker, you will see quickly which books you need for each class…provided you take the time to keep your locker tidy.

8. Colour code your timetable to match the book system.

9. Make lots of timetables. Stick one where you do your homework, one in the kitchen, one inside your locker. Make a small one, laminate it and keep it in your pocket.

Most importantly:

10. Accept that this is not your fault and, once you are doing your best, don’t be too hard on yourself. If you keep working at it, after a while, these habits become automatic and you will find life much easier. Some of us spend our whole lives using to-do lists and little tricks to keep us on track.

Further reading for the frazzled: